I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
