I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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