my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
