I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
