We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
