The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
