soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
