You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
