Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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