I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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