and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
