The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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