Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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