Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
