Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
