I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
