I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
