I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
