It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
