so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
