Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
