So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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