The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
two words: eviction party
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
