I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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