I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
