He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
