My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
