Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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