I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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