Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
