Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
