I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My pussy is not your playground.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
