The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
