Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
