I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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