Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
