i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
