god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
