im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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