pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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