haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Randomize
