My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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