Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
My vagina just recognized that song.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
