On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
