he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
