Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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