So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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