Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
