If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This toilet bowl is my home.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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