My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
